Anger & Inward Struggle

Posted By Author on May 17, 2010

26/5/1966:
Stomach upset.  Did not sleep well.  Got up at 4.30 A.M. Took bath, meditation and exercise.  Had breakfast.  Waiting for teacher Mr. Semwal to go to his village.  I was called in.  Baba’s mood was disturbed.  Yesterday night Baba told Gita that after Dinbandhu’s return from Guptakashi, she should tell him to fill in water for Baba’s needs.  Dinbandhu did not arrive and hence Gita told Haridas to do so.  This did disturb Baba’s work.  He told he would not take food that day.  He came out of fencing, sat on his chair in the Sun.  The second door for his hut was being constructed.  I went near him and told the teacher would probably come late.  He ordered, “You will not go now.  Tell him that time has value.  Why did he not come at the given time?  Remind him that he is educated.” We had a brief talk on planning of village Chunni.  He asked Rajat as to what would be effect of increase in depth upon velocity of water flow.  He himself explained velocity would be inversely proportional to depth.  He asked me whether I rebuked the teacher or not.  I assured that I complied both.  As the Sun was getting hot we shifted to shed.  After some time he went in and came back.  I told him that the teacher came and I refused to go due to delay.  Gave him tea and sent back.  Baba observed, “We people do not value time.  Because they are legislators they sleep even in the Parliament.  Once speaker Mavalankar reproached Nehru.  There was an important discussion on foreign policy and Nehru arrived one hour late.”  Then discussion naturally came on Pakistan.  Baba commented, “One should think like a diplomat but not act like a diplomat.  Foresight is most important in politics.  In Tashkand Shastri was not cornered but befooled by the Russians to satisfy their ego to give defeat to America.  Kosygin has no doubt inclination for peace but here they did it more for ego.  How is it possible for Pakistan to change nature overnight? Their history of eighteen years is enough proof.  At least three years’ observation period should have been asked before withdrawal.”

I reminded Baba that the Russians viewed partition of India as Imperialistic conspiracy to meet own end and hence not acceptable. Baba remarked, “It is for slapping at the British but what Russians did in Hungary.  It is nothing less than imperialism.  They themselves are imperialists.”  Then talk on flowers emerged.  I said rose was supposed to be most beautiful and fragrant flower but in India we have many more fragrant flowers. They are better in fragrance than rose. Baba observed, “Someone has rightly said that these foreigners are like their flowers, shallow in sense and showy.  These French are nastiest people in the world. They are so ugly and shabby in living but would kill the smell by scents and perfumes.  Italians are also similar.”

Baba left inside.  I came to my hut.  A puppy of Bhotia dog was purchased from a village near Trijoginarayan for Rs. twenty-five and a labourer was paid Rs. twenty for to and fro walk of mountainous journey of forty miles.  It is a shepherd dog from high altitude and four months old puppy was as big as a full-grown dog.  It was absolutely brownish in color with long fur.  The man said that it would shed its fur and turn jet black.  Baba came out and told me that his body was burning.  He wanted to go at a cool and secluded place alone.  The cloudy weather was advantageous and hence he decided to start within an hour.  At that time I saw two men coming and so I went forward and stopped them.  One was barber and another a vegetable vendor from Guptakashi.  They brought offering of fruits and vegetables. I expressed inability to arrange ‘darshan’.  However, I showed them Baba from distance and they were pleased.  I offered tea and in the meantime informed Baba as to who they were.  Baba warned me not to accept their offerings without payment and with reluctance they accepted one rupee as a token.  They left and I took the basket of offerings to Baba and asked him where should I put it.  Even in angry mood he laughed and said anywhere. We played with new dog.  At 5 P.M. Ramanidada came out and waited for Baba’s scheduled departure at 5 P.M. He came out at 6 P.M. in his usual traveling attire and mobile kit.  I said I would accompany him and he denied because I would be additional worry to him.  He went inside again telling that Ramanidada be sent to him.

After sometime Ramanidada came and I sent him in.  Within a minute I could hear Baba’s roars.  He was furious like a typhoon.  Ramanidada came out.  Gita was inside and I could hear her weeping.  It pierced my heart.  Suddenly Baba started shouting Ramanidada’s name in panicky voice.  Ramanidada rushed in.  All of us were seated in front of door of his hut in the courtyard.  In a pathetic voice we could hear him calling “ Om namo Bhagavati”, prayer of Goddess.  Gita was weeping loudly and uncontrollably.  Her sobs were very touching.  This continued for half an hour. To me it was nauseating.  I felt immeasurable sympathy for her and in disgust I left and sat alone on the remote bank of the Mandakini. My thoughts were bursting like a defective carburetor.

My mind concluded that Baba could definitely not win over anger, the first requisite of Yoga.  He was unable to give up his old habit of smoking.  I felt that in absence of Dinbandhu if Gita told Haridas to fill in water it was not any offence at all, intentional or unintentional. He told me that as the Sunrays come through atmosphere without heating it so he uses Gita and Kalyani Devis as mediums in his ‘Shakta sadhana’. (When Netaji left for Europe to recoup his health he expressed his desire to perform ‘Shakta Sadhana’)  My mind did not accept it. On the contrary I smelt Freudian tinge.  My inner soul argued that without ill will every man yearns for company of woman whether she is mother, wife or daughter. Gita was so worn-out that so called medium was definitely affected.  It was clear and obvious that she was dying inch by inch.  Her father would not say a word to save her.  Her psychological suppression seemed tremendous.  The age in which one should play, read, be with friends and relatives, in that age she was forced to undergo this Divine business.  There was no doubt in my mind about it.  Gita seemed to be forced to do Baba’s cooking, washing utensils, performing fast and meditation and what not.  Her forehead was always wrinkled with dismay.  With all her tolerance and devotion if she committed a negligence or mistake unknowingly, Baba should not have lost his temper so much said my mind.  Whenever she got a fit due to unbearable psychic pressure, the display of incense smoke, reciting prayers, touching her top of head and neck, giving charmed water, etc. seemed sheer nonsense to my mind.  When he said on such occasions Goddess had taken her destructive form, I felt that it was a fit of psychological suppression.  Again Baba would charge others for flimsy mistakes and its outcome on his work and hence delay in starting work did not appeal to my mind.  I asked myself that if Divinity was going away because of mistakes of workers then why did he collect so big paraphernalia. My mind was revolting.  He often said he would shut but rarely I could witness.  I felt he was not prepared to emerge or wanted to surprise all at proper time and that why did he not come in so many years.  This great man and his great behavior were beyond my perception.  Sometimes I felt that his great potential energy should have taken outlet in the form of social work but instead due to unknown psychological suppression it often burst into anger and got proper outlet.  Again from his dictation and even otherwise he always impressed that he was different, we were different and our mistakes were the only cause of impediments and delay in his work.  My reason and logic did not accept it.  It was his sheer ego.  I felt that to blame others for flimsy mistake was improper. The dictation seemed either avoidance of self-mistake or part of imposition to cover up his mistake.  All others made him God, tolerating to get largesse when he would come out in the open as Subhash Bose. Under his voodoo spell all were working like zombie.  I decided I should not be brainwashed like others. I appreciated his avuncular nature. His love, super knowledge, adoration, and affection; care taking, tender nursing, thinking for others, and rearing of plants etc. were indeed superb.  I decided in any case I must not lose independent thinking, reason, and logic. Sukumar searched me out and told Baba had called.  Perhaps he realized my annoyance.

All of us entered his hut.  Incense was burning.  With legs folded parallel under bottom and Gita’s head on thigh he was sitting.  She was lying on a blanket and covered her face with her frail hand.  A blanket covered her as well. She was sobbing.  Baba had a cigarette in right hand and with fingers or middle finger of left hand he was rubbing top of her head, nose-bridge and neck.  Then charmed water was given to her.  We were silent spectators.  Then he said to me, “ Sometimes breaking of psychological knot by psychological operation takes a serious turn.”  Again with cigarette in mouth he recited prayer of Goddess. Ramanidada’s face was unperturbed.  Because of some insect bite he put patches of medicinal mud on face and when dried they were white. He looked like a tattooed Red Indian or an African Masai or Bantu. It was difficult to suppress my laugh.  Baba told both Ramanidada and me to note following dictation:
“Evolutionary psychological operation aimed at breaking a cosmic knot related both the macrocosm and microcosm working in the unconscious even if performed with all precautions may sometimes take a serious turn mostly when persons covered up by the operation do not know and do not sufficiently take care of knowing how to play their own role into it. Always remember one thing. My becoming impatient with the malfunctioning of a process during a psychological operation is one thing and of anyone of you becoming impatient with it is quite a different thing, definitely the term impatient used in either cases bears a different connotation.  If all of you are not sufficiently careful about getting your brain and heart disturbed, a painful sequel sometimes even an irreparable one, may not always be avoided.  The whole work has suffered many times very severely due to these reasons.

For more than the three years I have repeatedly told you about the truth that this spontaneous aspiration for uplifting the suffering humanity, which was given to this man something as out and out inherent, has disappeared.  Now this man at every step has to fight hard and work hard to bring down from the supramental store even one single aspiration. Those for whom it was meant dealt the thing granted by the Divinity with almost total carelessness. Not once, not twice but hundreds of times, the result is that the thing has retired to its original height from where it is now more difficult to bring it down to make it work on the unwilling humanity. Titbit willingness means little.  It is only a sort of relatively integral willingness that may pave way for the descent of the Divine Will into the heart and brain of those who have really no will of their own.  Day by day due to follies committed, the task is becoming harder and harder.  Divine Will has to be pulled down first before Divine Grace and Divine Strength can be made to descend on the Earthly Consciousness, the part being played by those who are in direct contact with one in whom the Divine Will and the Divine Grace are ordained to come down is the most important.  If there it fails, nowhere it will work.  It means if there is irreparable failure then either the human instruments will have to be changed or the whole work either given up or relegated to some futurity.”

Netaji admits in his letter to Dilip Roy at Pondicherry, “ I do not know if I am sufficiently ‘open’ to receive yogic face- probably I am not. However he confessed that he had faith in Supramental order. (G-261)
After this dictation I began to smell indecisiveness.  The cause of his anger was different and hidden, which restricted him from coming out and give identity as Subhash Bose.  I decided not to resign my job because if Divinity did not come for a couple of more years, I did not want to subsist on charity and borrowed money or be burden to my parents.  Except occasional gardening, prayer, meditation, sentry duty, correspondence, cases, worry of money, its collection, entertaining guests lavishly, aristocratic expenditure, and escorting Baba in his furious claustrophobic errands there was no other work.  I returned to my hut and Haribandhu told me that it was nothing compared to what he witnessed.  He related that Baba in his anger once went on bicycle for twelve miles, once he burnt a house, another time he was lying amidst boulders for five days without food.  He anguished that their costly land given to Ashram was sold at throwaway price when in monetary difficulty.  People starved for many days and many times for want of food.  He disclosed that after installation of Ashram for first three years he was never angry but it began later on.  He sarcastically remarked that his Divinity was making them all mad.  They also became stubborn to see how long he would play his game.

At 11.30 P.M. at night Baba called Rajat and me.  He chastised him for not rubbing the fleet pump with lemons before he used it to kill flies.  He pointed that his blunder created the havoc.  Without any further talk we returned.  Haribandhu made a passing remark that for five days his car was not rubbed with lemons and nothing happened and the moment he came to know about it his body began to burn.  How was that? Questioned he.

About the author

Author

Comments

Comments are closed.