Baba’s Misery

Posted By Author on April 2, 2011

14/5/1967:

I got up at 5 A.M. I had beautiful coloured dream and in another I saw father had heart attack. Mother and I were massaging his chest and he was chanting Sanskrit mantras.  Queer. I was restless.

At 6 A.M. Baba gave his two woolen sweaters, my blanket, Gobind’s and Rajat’s blanket.  All were bundled up and Gobind and Saxena left for Guptakashi to sell them.

I finished my routine and Baba was sitting with Ramanidada, Gita, Dipali, Lala and Chinu.  I remained aloof.  Then Lala came and told that Baba wanted to leave.

Ramanidada came with tears in eyes and in wavering voice told me that Baba was leaving along with Chinu alone.  He put his palm to forehead and lamented that his fate was shattered.  Baba with Gita and Chinu were in his hut and I could hear his furious sound.  Chinu was weeping.  Everything was calm and all of us were in suspense.  Then we heard Baba shouting ‘Gita, Gita’.  Probably she might have fainted.  I was worried by the thought that Baba would throw Chinu in the river in a fit of rage.

All of us were called in his hut.  He rebuked all.  We came out.  Rajat told me that he promised Baba to make arrangement of money for two three months.  He assured that Sureshbabu would manage, Baba then estimated that hundred rupees to be given to Gobind, two hundred to be sent to Gyan dada at Ashram and about four hundred for our expenses. Baba told Rajat that Suresh had given the last pie with him.  It was not possible.  I told Rajat to say yes on my behalf though I had no will left.

Ramanidada came and told us that he was given a matchbox by Baba and ordered to burn his hutment.  Some of us got ready with water and as Ramanidada marched towards Baba’s hut all of us would pounce on him and resist him.  Baba was standing in the courtyard. The project of burning the hut ceased.  Baba took Gita inside and started rebuking her that she was twenty-two years old but brainless.  After a while we entered the hut. He was smoking.  He ordered that all debtors should be given a letter with Baba’s signature and it would be his responsibility.  Ramanidada refused.  Baba started writing a letter and then told me to prepare five copies of it.  I came out and was again called back. He dropped making copies.  Instead of that he took five blank sheets of letter pad and signed at the bottom.  Then he told me to fill up letters.  The signed blank sheets were handed over to Ramanidada.

Again a bout of anger exploded.  Rebuked all.  He said that his body was shattered due to living amongst these monkeys for the last eight years, etc.  Then he packed his things and took six packets of cigarettes and began his March, destination not known.  Shomu wept and fell on his feet to stop him.  Twice he tried but was of no use.  He called Chinu and lovingly moved his hand over her head and started walking through the lower forest towards the confluence. For some distance Rajat, Lala and I followed him and returned.  All this tragic drama was enacted from 8 A.M. to 12 Noon.

I did not see slightest Divine nature in his behaviour.  Baba was born for one field but he interfered in different field and hence he would perhaps be a miserable failure.  For me as an ideal he was different and now in reality he was altogether different.  Alas!  He hated hypocrisy. His behaviour was an enigma.  When angry his eyes became red and glossy and moved from side to side. The horrible fits of anger were recurrent especially whenever there was money crunch.  The whole thing was miserable.  Even Gita and Dipali melancholically said, “ There is no God in this world. Whosoever lives with Baba, misery and suffering is his lot. He loves misery and suffering.” From bottom of heart they spoke the truth. I pitied. These young girls were covered in such rags that it was shameful on our part even to look at them.  Hell to such Divine work.  It would be better to live in fool’s paradise than to suffer in hypocritical reality.  I was constrained to write all these remarks. I knew his outbursts were due to mistake of sex explosion that locked all avenues to come out and without disclosure of identity money could not be procured either from people or invested and entrusted INA treasure in Japan. I was reminded of proverb, mountains look beautiful from distance.

My analysis of his personality and behaviour was simple.  He was born politician and a fighter.  All throughout he fought for his principles and for freedom of the country.  With the great debacle of atomic explosion and surrender of axis power he had to go underground as hundreds of Nazis escaped through Vatican to South America by showing fake death. Otherwise noose was the only punishment that awaited for him along with General Tojo.  Right from childhood he had a spiritual bend for which he left house twice in search of Guru.  Even in the melee of war at Singapore he would visit Ramakrishna Mission and meditate.  The last word to his officers before take off was that he was going in search of unknown.  Any scholar can vouchsafe his mystic nature in earlier life.  Swami Vivekananda was his ideal and Guru.  He decided to remain bachelor but in Europe he married or had relationship with Emilie Schenkl and had daughter Anita. He was dauntless to accepted both as wife and daughter but kept things concealed for the fear of public retaliation.  He was in two minds whether people of Southeast Asia would accept him due to this. He therefore kept his relationship secret till his defeat and escape. However, he wrote a letter to brother Sarat accepting Emilie as wife and Anita as daughter. The letter was entrusted to wife, which she disclosed to Saratbabu in 1948.

When he came to India after independence via Tibet, like Swami Vivekananda, Ramtirth, Adi Shankar he walked all over India, performed rigourous sadhana, meditation, etc. for one ‘Tapa’ i.e. fourteen years. He wanted to emerge as a great saint and his efforts were genuine. His aim was man making mission and Divinisation of politics.  However, when he became stationary and established Ashram, like Vishwamitra the so-called mishap took place. After all Nature’s force of reproductivity is invincible in all living organism.  Had it been controllable all beings would have been extinct.  Exceptions like Vivekananda prove the rule.  In 1962 he wanted to strike in a clandestine manner so that Nehru would have been forced to admit Netaji’s existence. He was playing a cat and mouse game with Nehru who was panicky. When Gita conceived it was his greatest greatness not to abort her and hide the truth cowardly.  He accepted the challenge but to avoid publicity left Ashram to the Himalayas for her delivery.  His former wife was alive with all sacrifice for him.  He could not deny second wife.  The difference in age was much but there are myriad examples in history. Josef was forty-two and Merry was sixteen. Arafat was fifty-two and wife nineteen. Greek Prime Minister was seventy and his wife was nineteen. There is no dearth of examples of marriages with wide differences in age amongst spouses. From Washington, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Pompidou, Nehru, Arafat, Miterrand, Ravi Shankar, Imran Khan, Pele, Prince Charles, etc., all had affairs. Let us call these mistakes due to extraordinary surge of libidos or testosterone. Most of the mishaps take place after the age of forty when man is well positioned.  The walker never gets exhausted but the road does and hence he had to search new road. Like Emilie Gita too became his Achilles’ heel.

Baba probably was conscious, that people would not accept his second marriage (again not official) and consequently to believe in him as spiritual Guru.  He probably decided to maintain older image of Subhash. On one hand monetary difficulties, repayment of debt, resettlement of members of Ashram who sacrificed all assets for Ashram, chaotic and degenerated Indian politics, future of his children and their legitimacy often made him optimistic to emerge out. On the one hand second marriage, news items like the one in the Statesman, surviving first wife, and doubt about his acceptance by the masses made him nervous and pessimistic.  He admitted it with me and I have mentioned it.  Aging and physical debility was another detrimental factor.  Now he was under such an immense mental pressure with career at stake and mounting liabilities and debts that in order to release the compression of woes and diminish his distress he would vent out anger on flimsy reasons or through his long walks or fasts and thereby alleviate worries.  He was between the horns of dilemma, he was sailing between Scylla and Charybdis, and his plight between the Devil and the deep sea were beyond comprehension of those around him.  In spite of senescence his capacity to endure both physical and mental suffering was astounding and unparallel.  His furious tantrums set in after Chinu’s birth.  Everyone realised sudden change in his behaviour but without understanding the cause. All expected him to come out and get their bonanza. I can neither disclose some vital talks between us regarding starting work nor confidential letters of Gita. With these thoughts I glided into slumber.

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